Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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