The brown eye won't let me do that either.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
