I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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