ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
