so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
