I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
