I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
