Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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