So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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