My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I am morally bankrupt
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
