Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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