Well douche your snatch and let's go!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
