It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
