Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
True college students do jello shots in the library
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