you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
