you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
