she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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