Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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