I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
