im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I want a musical about memes.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
