Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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