How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
