Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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