i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
