in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
