the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
