This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
