It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
