he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
