I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
