He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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