A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
