i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
