Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
