you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
