my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
