I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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