I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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