Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Fuck appropriateness.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
