no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
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NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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