I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
