Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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