i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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