The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
