Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
