Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
