You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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