I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm having to shit out rocks
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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