I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
