So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
