Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You've changed since you got that strap on
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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