I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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