I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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