How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
