none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
