video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
