i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
