I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
