allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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