I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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