1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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