Dual....:-)
Can Purell be used as lube?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
