I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
